Thursday, May 26, 2011

Magical Moment 476, "The Best Advice Ever"

Yesterday, I sat on the couch, clutching a tissue as Oprah dished out her final pieces of life advice on her last show. Feeling inspired, I went to my computer to endow my own wisdom upon whoever wants to read it...

So here it is. My 10 best pieces of life advice:

1. Jump out of an airplane
Don't go out of your way to do it or anything, but if someone walks up to you and says,
"Hey, I'm gonna jump out of an airplane now. Why don't you join me?"
And you don't have a pressing obligation any time soon, then just do it. It'll be fine and you'll forever be glad you did when it's over. Plus, you'll have bragging rights for life. I still brag about jumping out of airplanes. See? I'm doing it right now.

2. Don't let your laundry pile up
It took me 28 years and an apartment with no washer and dryer to figure this one out. See, the more laundry you let gather, the more you have to wash at one time. Remember that feeling in pre-school when you realized that 2 apples put together with 2 other apples made 4 apples?! Whoa. Mind blower. Kinda like that.

3. Take up running
It clears your head, gives you a sense of accomplishment, and makes you feel like you can take on the world! Also, it burns lots of calories and keeps you thin.

4. Get a dog
It is my personal belief that having a dog is preparing me to raise a kid in the future.
Dealing with noise? Check.
Unconditional love and affection going both ways? Check.
Potty training? Check.
How much more difficult can a kid be?! (If you're a parent, feel free to throw large, sharp objects at my head now).

5. Smile and be friendly to the Dunkin Doughnuts Guy
After a while, he'll have your coffee ready before you even order it. He'll get your cream and sugar just right. And when you're short a few cents, he won't mind.

6. Occasionally binge on Doritos, Chinese food, and chocolate
It'll keep you from drinking. If you feel that horrible the next morning from eating all that junk, just think how much worse it would be if it was too many martinis. Ugh.

7. Read children's books well into adulthood
They take less time. They always have meaningful, life-applicable morals. And they have bright pictures of cute, little bunnies.

8. Learn how to change a tire
That way, when someone else says they don't know how to change a tire, you can make a big deal because you know how to and they don't. Ha! Also, if you ever get a flat tire, you'll know how to change it.

9. Be Prepared
Keep wet wipes in your purse, an atlas in your car, and pre-plan a come back for every creepy pick up line imaginable. A guy once asked me that icky, old line, "Are you a natural red head?" And I said nothing. But thanks to the charm and class of the New York City subway system, I was given another opportunity a mere 2 months later and this time I was ready. With seemingly razor sharp wit, I replied to that creepy guy, "Are you naturally bald?"

And finally, the best advice ever...

10Watch Oprah when they start airing the reruns. Or just buy the DVDs. And take notes. She has way better advice on life that I'll ever be able to give.