On my second day at my new job as a pianist for a ballet school and company, I found myself struggling through the combinations. I thought that certainly after some practice, the job would become easier, but I suddenly found myself over thinking the counts, struggling with intros, and having trouble “squaring off the piece.” I was worried the instructor was getting frustrated at the disruptions. Even worse, the owner of the company, made visits in and out of the class room and I was certain she noticed my fumbles. The mirrored room reflected my image like a string of paper dolls. Every missed count echoed against the walls. Every mistake was magnified by a hundred.
When the night was over, the owner very seriously pulled me aside and asked, “Can you stay a bit after?” I nervously replied that I could and she motioned for me to walk back to her office. As I sat there waiting for her to enter, I actually texted Eddie, “I think I’m about to get fired.” I silently prepared my plea for a second chance, promises to do better, observe more classes, buy more sheet music.
When she came in the room in her very poised and professional demeanor, she said, “Can you work every Tuesday night?” Sheesh! With relief and a smile, I eagerly said yes. She went on to say that the instructor from last Saturday said I did very well for my first time and she was amazed that I could sit there and play all those hours. Now I began to relax. She then handed me a book of sheet music and told me I was free to make copies if I wanted.
I called Eddie afterwards and listened to the reprimand about how I always think the worst of myself. I’m a glass half empty kinda gal. I need to give myself more credit. Believe in myself more. I’m trying. I’m working on it. Looking at myself in a mirror is a good thing. Magnifying each flaw by a hundred is not.