Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Magical Moment 425, "A Hard Moment of Clarity"

Some of my readers may know that I've been struggling with the decision whether or not to go to law school. For the last decade or so of my life, I began noticing a pattern when it comes to my decision making. Some how, my logic always defaults to, "the harder choice is the correct one." 

I suppose it began in college with simply choosing to go and graduate. Then I chose the military. And between officer or enlisted, I chose to be an officer. When choosing where to be stationed, I had to go to the 82nd Airborne. When getting out of the military and choosing a location to start a new career, I chose to be a musician of all things, in New York City of all places. It's the same even in the small, day to day decisions: I can't just go for a run. It has to be 4 miles minimum on an uphill incline. I can't just do a load of laundry then relax, I have to clean the entire house. I can't just write a blog occasionally, I have to do it every day consecutively for 424 days! It's sort of become a reflex.

So after the hurdles of taking the LSAT exam and the headache of applying to law schools, suddenly I was accepted and had another choice to make. Well, it should be a no brainer. Law school is hard and challenging, I should do it. It was so typical and obvious, yet I couldn't just say the words, "I want to go to law school." I went to visitation day anyway, and mailed in a deposit for the incoming semester. Still I didn't feel the peace I should feel, like with past major decisions. Not even the nervous, anxious, excited "peace" that came with jumping out of airplanes. It just didn't feel right.

I canceled the check. And ya know what? I feel peace. I'm not saying 'no' to law school because I'm scared of how hard or stressful will be. Hard is fine with me. I've done that before. But I didn't come to New York City to be a lawyer. And the truth is, becoming a lawyer would be an EASY way out of giving my all to music. Something as simple and 'easy' as canceling a check was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

~Henry David Thoreau


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