I told Eddie when we met, "I'm kind of an all or nothing girl." That's probably why we got engaged 2 months after we started dating. For some reason, maybe it's genetic, maybe it's a brain abnormality, maybe it's psychological. Either way, I can't seem to do anything half way. It can't be in between. It can't be now and then. No half and half of anything will do. I can't just be in the Army, I have to be paratrooper and an officer. I can't just apply to graduate school. It has to be law school. I can't just record my songs, I have to record them in New York City. Anything less to me, is substandard.
It makes for some great experiences, some great personal goals, some great ambitions, but it really takes its toll in pressure. How much can one person take upon themselves? How much is too much? When can I be satisfied with my choices? This struggle is nothing new for me if you've read much of this blog. For me, everything goes back to myself. What I think of myself, what I want for myself, what I need for myself. I am the only one who makes choices difficult. I know my family and friends will support and love me unconditionally, it's only me that cannot be satisfied. So if I physically cannot do it all, how do I decide what to do? Build a dart board? Nail it to the wall? Hurl an arrow at it? I'm nearly to that point. Will I forever be "all or nothing," or will I learn to just be satisfied with what's within my limits?
"The only pressure I'm under, is the pressure I've put on myself." ~Mark Messier
Reflection by Elizabeth Grimes
A million eyes, all looking at me.
I’m terrified of what they might see.
It matters not how I hide, or where.
I can’t escape their watchful stare.
I try to move, but feel paralyzed.
And I’m pulled apart as I’m scrutinized.
Soon it changes, after a breath.
Now there’s only one spectator left.
I reach my hand to touch the cruel eyes
And suddenly realize I’d been seeing lies.
It was water I felt. People, none!
The ripples made thousands out of one.
Another truth! I see it clearer.
A crowd created by a broken mirror.
It’s only me, and was all along.
I’m the only one who needs to like my song.