Monday, March 14, 2011

Magical Moment 403, "All 'er Nuthin'"

I told Eddie when we met, "I'm kind of an all or nothing girl." That's probably why we got engaged 2 months after we started dating. For some reason, maybe it's genetic, maybe it's a brain abnormality, maybe it's psychological. Either way, I can't seem to do anything half way. It can't be in between. It can't be now and then. No half and half of anything will do. I can't just be in the Army, I have to be paratrooper and an officer. I can't just apply to graduate school. It has to be law school. I can't just record my songs, I have to record them in New York City. Anything less to me, is substandard.

It makes for some great experiences, some great personal goals, some great ambitions, but it really takes its toll in pressure. How much can one person take upon themselves? How much is too much? When can I be satisfied with my choices? This struggle is nothing new for me if you've read much of this blog. For me, everything goes back to myself. What I think of myself, what I want for myself, what I need for myself. I am the only one who makes choices difficult. I know my family and friends will support and love me unconditionally, it's only me that cannot be satisfied. So if I physically cannot do it all, how do I decide what to do? Build a dart board? Nail it to the wall? Hurl an arrow at it? I'm nearly to that point. Will I forever be "all or nothing," or will I learn to just be satisfied with what's within my limits?

"The only pressure I'm under, is the pressure I've put on myself." ~Mark Messier

Reflection by Elizabeth Grimes
A million eyes, all looking at me.
I’m terrified of what they might see.

It matters not how I hide, or where.
I can’t escape their watchful stare.

I try to move, but feel paralyzed.
And I’m pulled apart as I’m scrutinized.

Soon it changes, after a breath.
Now there’s only one spectator left.

I reach my hand to touch the cruel eyes
And suddenly realize I’d been seeing lies.

It was water I felt. People, none!
The ripples made thousands out of one.

Another truth! I see it clearer.
A crowd created by a broken mirror.

It’s only me, and was all along.
I’m the only one who needs to like my song.


Eddie said...

Elizabeth, I look forward to your blog everyday and I've really enjoyed reading and listening to them. I know what you mean about putting a lot of pressure on yourself. My wife does the same thing. She is absolutely the most wonderful human being that I have ever met, but it is hard for her to see that sometimes. Your beautiful poem is her exactly. I hope she can get to where you are in the last line and see that she has to make herself happy first. Good luck to you in your music and in law school. I am sure that everything will work out wonderfully. :)

Dawn said...

You are super hard on you!
I just did a post....SORT of on the same thing...about the battle of the mind.
It seems we are our own worst enemies at times.
You seem an incredible, wonderful, talented person....and it wouldn't matter to any of us if it was all or nuthin'....we just like: the YOU!!!

Rick said...

We have met the enemy ... and (s)he is us !

Stuff could always be worse said...

I love the poem, yes all or nothing. We do think like that many times. Good or bad? I do not know?

Mike Perry said...

My first visit to your blog today and, yes, I read your very first post. Life is magical - enjoy. I certainly enjoyed your blog.
Best wishes,

Steve Gravano said...

I think it's good to set high goals, but it's also important not to be afraid to fail. It's through our failure that we grow. I do love that poem.

Linda said...

What a wonderful and insightful poem, Elizabeth. And what a sweet comment from your dear Eddie. He's a keeper.